Ep212 Chris Kenny - The 3 Life Questions That Transform High-Achieving Leaders

Chris Kenny 0:00

It occurred to me that unless and until one feels that one is is living authentically, it's profoundly difficult to cultivate meaningful relationships true self to true self. It's like a genuine kind of connection between people. Well, you can't do that if you're sort of living a facade and your relationships are all built around that facade.

Mike O'Neill 0:25

Welcome to get unstuck and on target, the weekly podcast that offers senior leaders insights and strategies to not only lead with confidence and vision, but also to achieve ground breaking results. I'm your host. Mike O'Neill, I coach top level executives on the power of ethical leadership to forge teams to be as united as they are effective in each episode, join me for insightful conversations with leaders just like you, providing practical advice to help you get unstuck and propel you and your company forward. Let's get started. Today. We're diving into a topic that separates good leaders from truly fulfilled ones that is moving beyond success to purpose. But here's the thing, so many high achievers get to the top and they still feel like something's missing. But what is it? And more importantly, how do you figure that out? We'll explore the three life questions a simple but powerful framework that helps you rethink authenticity, relationships and impact. My guest, Chris Kenny is an executive coach who's worked with top leaders to help them uncover deeper meanings in their personal and professional lives. We'll talk about why success without alignment can feel empty, how small intentional changes can make a huge difference, and why making the world just a little better starts with you. By the end of this episode, you'll have some fresh perspectives and actionable strategies to redefine what success really means for you. So ask yourself, are you on the right path, or is it time for a reset? Let's dive in. My guest today is Chris Kenny, an executive coach with over 35 years of experience, helping leaders unlock their full potential. He's a former business lawyer and entrepreneur, and he now guides high achievers through the three life questions, and it's a framework that he uses to help his clients find deeper meaning, purpose and fulfillment. Chris, welcome. Thank

Chris Kenny 2:40

you, Mike, thanks for having me. It's great to be here

Mike O'Neill 2:43

naturally. We're going to talk about the three life questions. We'll get to that in just a moment. But in my introduction and in my conversations with you, this term fulfillment kind of gets matted around, and I know that you focus on helping leaders kind of uncover their deeper purpose. Can you kind of explain to our viewers, to our listeners, what fulfillment beyond success really means, and why is a challenge for so many high achievers?

Chris Kenny 3:15

Great question, and you're right, it does get kicked around quite a bit, various in various media, you know. And I suppose one of the reasons why it's challenging to define it is because for each individual it's unique, you know, it really is unique to them. So let me answer it by saying this, it's much more of a feeling, a felt sense, internal sense of well being, that One feels that one is either living or walking toward living their reason for being here. You know, I'm not convinced, frankly, and I'm a somewhat spiritual kind of person. I'm not entirely convinced that any of us really knows our purpose until we get very close to the end, or maybe at the end and you sort of look back. I mean, there are some people who know what they want to do with their lives, like in terms of their career, but this, over this sense of overall fulfillment, I think, is a holistic kind of view of one's way of existing in the world, and so that naturally then brings into the discussion of a thought process, you know, one's relationships with other people and what one is doing for living. So. A whole bunch of components to it. I'm sure I have not added any clarity to the definition with what I've just described, but I think it's, it's a pretty broad kind of topic, but it ultimately results in a feeling that someone has.

Mike O'Neill 5:15

I'm confident you are going to be adding clarity as our conversation continues. You know, Chris, I don't know if I've mentioned to you, but one thing that kind of treats me about you is that you came to coaching through maybe a non traditional route. You just use the word feeling two or three times in the last few minutes. And as a as a lawyer, I always think lawyers has that's mostly thinking. And I guess my question you, you're a business lawyer, very successful in that role. You're an entrepreneur, and now you're you're coaching. How do you kind of tie the some of your natural skill sets with what is it we're talking about right now? What makes you unique with that type of background to be an executive coach, I a couple

Chris Kenny 6:07

of things. One, certainly the the legal training and the experience is very much about issues spawning. You may not have to have all the answers. Obviously, when you're hired as an as an attorney with a certain area of expertise, you know there's an expectation on the client's part that you you do know something the topic. But certainly, as a young lawyer, your your job is to identify what the issues are. So how does one do that? Well, you know, when you're in an academic environment, it's, you know, studying, whatever you're you're reading, etc. But when you're out with clients, when you're dealing with real clients, I think it you have to develop a good ear. You have to be able to listen not only to what is being said, But perhaps more importantly, to what is not being said or not being said, very directly, and listen for those things so that you can ask additional questions to to get clear on, you know, what's really going on with the situation before you launch into a recommendation. And I think that very much ties into coaching, because, as you know, you're an extremely effective coach yourself. I mean, the bigger the role that we tend to play, I think if we're good at what we do is listening and reflecting back almost almost like a therapist, but you know, you're really asking a lot of questions to invite the individual that you're coaching to have a better thought process for themselves so they can arrive at their own answers. So I hope that helps. Does that? Does that answer your question? It has

Mike O'Neill 8:09

a great deal and you mentioned the power of of questions. You've actually built an entire coaching framework around the three life questions. I like to kind of unpack those, of you don't mind, just for the benefit of an overview, what are the three questions? And we'll go through each in turn. Sure,

Chris Kenny 8:27

yeah. The first question is, am I living authentically from my true self? The second is, Am I cultivating meaningful relationships. And the third is, am I making the world a little better? Those are the three

Mike O'Neill 8:53

I'm writing these down, so I want to refer to those make sure that I speak to them correctly. The order, am I living authentically? Am I cultivating meaningful relationships? Am I making the world a little better? Did these come to you almost in that order?

Chris Kenny 9:14

Great question. No, I don't think they did come precisely in that order. I And what's interesting is, for individuals who are very successful in what they do primarily, let's let's call it in their career, right? Success in your career, most individuals will feel like they can answer yes to that one. So, so that one is probably the very the one that sort of popped up first. And I can tell you a little bit about the origin of these three if you're, if you're, if you feel your audience might be interested in it. But anyway, that one's probably the low hanging fruit, I suppose, of. Of all of the three. The second one is around cultivating meaningful relationships. The first one is around authenticity. And I think the cultivating relationships is the one that I that I really sort of identified first. But what occurred to me later, as I put the three of them, sort of organized the three of them. It occurred to me that unless and until one is feels, you know that one is is living authentically, it's profoundly difficult, I think, to cultivate meaningful relationships, right? Because meaningful, a meaningful relationship is is sort of true self to true self. It's like a genuine kind of connection between people. Well, you can't do that if you're if you're sort of living a facade, and in your relationships are all built around that facade. So that's the reason why that one ultimately found its itself in first place. Well,

Mike O'Neill 11:07

let's speak to that. I am not active on any other social video platform other than LinkedIn, yeah, but when I have spent time on Instagram or Facebook, or any of them. It seems to me that there is an attempt to kind of put a public image out there that I've kind of grown a little bit skeptical, because it doesn't, it doesn't appear it looks too perfect. It looks two stage. It does not appear authentic in today's environment. Are people getting a little bit more suspicious of that type of thing, and are are they yearning for more authenticity?

Chris Kenny 11:59

I believe the answer to that is yes, and I think part of it is because of of how prevalent social media is. You can't get away from it no matter where you go, which is why you know people like you myself as well have sort of limited the number of social media outlets to which we subscribe. So yeah, I think the answer to your question is yes. I also believe, Mike, that you know your audience as I am, as I know from our conversations. You know consists of people who are generally, you know, successful individuals. They're, they're, they're successful professionals in whatever it is that they're doing. And so the whole concept of leadership would, I'm sure, resonate with your audience and and as with fulfillment, you know, the whole notion of authentic leadership is also kicked around, you know, quite a bit today. And what I think that it means, though, I do think it's, it's still relevant and and meaningful in the concept of leadership. And here's where I think it comes from, or what, what it leads to. There's a lot of discussion warranted, I think, around vulnerability. And you know, the best leaders are authentic leaders, and the most authentic leaders are leaders who are willing to be vulnerable. Well, in contrast to what you're describing with a persona that's projected out on LinkedIn or Facebook or wherever. You know, people tend to follow leaders who they view as genuine, and people view leaders as genuine when they see that they're not perfect, when the leader himself or herself is willing to admit, you know, that she or he is not perfect, and so I think this concept of authenticity and vulnerability do go hand in hand. Now, does that mean that you, as a leader, need to get your, you know, put your put yourself on a black couch and confess every you know transgression you've ever engaged in in your life to your entire staff. No, you know, no, it doesn't. But what it does mean is that you know you are willing to do the exploration, uh, internally, about what matters most to you, what's what's truly important to you, and perhaps maybe most importantly, to admit that you don't have all the answers to those questions, or maybe dozens of others. So many of us are we feel that leadership is around knowing all the answers. Answers to all the questions. And I think the opposite is true. So I do think people are seeking that kind of connection with other people. And I think that only happens when you have sort of a flawed human being connected to another flawed human being.

Mike O'Neill 15:18

Well, you know, I mentioned connected to other people. That kind of begs that second question, cultivating meaningful relationships? I know it's been said you can't really choose your family, but what I would throw out to you is, in your work as a coach, the kinds of relationships that your clients choose to work on, is there a pattern that you see emerging?

Chris Kenny 15:44

Yes, I think let me answer that in two ways. One, the clients that I work with have probably followed a pattern in which they were working principally on external relationships, relationships with their staff, perhaps relationships with, you know, their spouse and their kids, that kind of thing, and where I tend to take them in, the ones who like working with me are willing To do this is, what's your relationship with yourself, because unless and until you are willing to examine that a little bit beyond, beyond, sort of a superficial, oh yeah, everything's great. Chris, you know, I'm cool. I'm like, you know, yeah, I love myself, or whatever it might be, unless you're willing to take a hard look at some of the some of the baggage perhaps you carry around and look, I put this in. Here's how I put this. Mike, we all carry around within ourselves, what I refer to as psychological flab, F, l, a, b, and what does that and this flab that we all carry around is very much learned during the course of our upbringing and our young careers, etc. What does that stand for? Well, the F stands for fears. Okay, the L is labels, labels we assign to ourselves or to our world. The A stands for attachments, things that we perceive, that we must have, or perhaps that we must not have in order for us to be happy. And then B is beliefs, and I'm not, and I'm not, I'm not talking so much here about, you know, religious or spiritual beliefs, but other types of beliefs about the way the world is supposed to operate, and so what happens is it to answer your question. I mean, I think the this in this notion of doing internal work, so part of the internal work and and perhaps establishing a different types, type of relationship with oneself comes from taking a look at this flab. What's the flab that Mike O'Neill is carrying around with him? And honestly, in some cases, you know, you might view some of those things as a net positive. So I'm not saying that all of it is decidedly negative. I don't want to put that kind of judgment on it, but I do think that being aware of those things enables you to navigate your relationship with each of them in a healthier way, so that you create a better relationship internally, which then leads you to be more authentic with all of the other people that you that you have a relationship with. Does that make sense? It

Mike O'Neill 19:16

makes sense, but you also enlighten me, because I was interpreting that differently. And I appreciate how you were able to tie those first two steps together very, very nicely. You made a comment that a lot of times this third question, How can I leave the world better? Yeah, how did you phrase it? It was the exact phrasing, am

Chris Kenny 19:40

I? Am I making the world a little better? Gotcha.

Mike O'Neill 19:43

And you said that it's not uncommon that people don't come to that question until later in life. What is it about that that question that when one reflects on that makes it such a powerful question to reflect upon. A

Chris Kenny 20:02

couple things come to mind there. First, you know, I put the word little Am I making the world a little better? That word is purposeful, yeah, because it need not whatever it is that you are doing to make the world a better place doesn't necessarily have to involve solving world hunger, though, obviously that that's a very worthwhile pursuit. And I want to tie this back to this notion of one sense of fulfillment and and just satisfaction. So I'll give you an example making the world a little better. Can can be as as little as you know you're in. I think I shared this with you the other day you know you're in the checkout line at your local grocery store, and the cashier is obviously having a bad day. You know, they're kind of surly. They're just not you can just tell you get you pick up on people's energy, and what you decide to do is you decide to say something or make a remark that makes that person smile. Well, you know, from where I sit, chances are good, or at least, chances have gotten better, that that person is not going to go home at night and kick the cat. You know you, you have, and quite possibly you may have, materially altered the trajectory of their entire day, and therefore the way in which they end up interacting with someone else, right? And so, so the world little is important. I also and and for high performing, high achieving individuals. I think this notion of there's a lot of pressure, societal pressure, pressure that may have come from parents or colleagues, whatever, to have like this huge meaningful impact, otherwise, My life isn't worth you know, isn't worth anything. And I think we need to pull back from that if we're going to have a healthier relationship with ourselves and therefore with with others. You know, again, nothing wrong with solving world hunger, but I think doing things on a smaller scale is also really important and and, you know, here's something else I just want to throw out and to answer, you know, with the three questions, you know, they can, they sound binary like, Am I making the world a little better? Well, you know, that's you could either give a yes or no answer to that, depending on where you are. Here's what I really encourage people to think about. It's when you get up in the morning, focus on these three questions, but ask them in this context today, how might I make the world a little better today, how might I cultivate more meaningful relationships in my life today? How might I live just a little more authentically? Because that's really what makes the three questions go from being conceptual, conceptual to being actionable. And it's really about encouraging people to take action today, small steps each day, to try to move each of these three areas of their life forward. That's important. That's what I feel is important,

Mike O'Neill 23:59

the fact that you just clarified the word little the word today. I think that really helped me better understand the power of the three life question framework that you have developed. And it could very well be that yesterday wasn't a good day, but if you wake up with a mindset of today, in what way, I think that can be a very powerful way to kind of reframe the whole day. That's very interesting, Chris, as you know, the theme of this podcast is, at some point, I always ask the guests to kind of elaborate on situations where their clients it got stuck in some form of fashion. I know you work a lot with high achieving clients and that they might feel that something's kind of missing you. But they don't know where to begin and how to find that search. How do you in working with clients, how do you kind of set them on the right

Chris Kenny 25:08

path? Yeah, and I'm just picking up on what you you the right path. I you know, let me just say this. I setting them on their path, a a path where they feel better is really, I think, the path that I'm sort of pointing them on. I because I don't know that there's a right or wrong. And let's face it, life, certainly my life when you talked about my background, you know, it hasn't been linear, if you so this path is one that kind of wanders around. But to address your question, you know, there like you, you know, there are a number of tools in my tool kit. I think the first thing that I really start my clients looking at are a couple of things. So one, as you know, Mike, you know I, I am a certified why Institute coach. Well, what does a Why do? Well, the why sort of helps identify very quickly. What motivates someone? Where do they feel good? Where do they feel successful? So that's a that is a very useful initial tool to use. The I invite people to examine their values, their character strengths. So there are a couple of tools that help me get a clearer picture of who the person is and what's important to them. And then, from there, Mike, I really start digging into this sort of flab analysis. You know, what are the fears, the labels, the attachments and the beliefs that you're carrying around with you that are so second nature to you, that you feel that they are a part of you. And yet the truth is that every one of those things is learned and and so being able to see it again, not so much judging it as good or bad, right or wrong, but being able to see those filters as being things that drive one's perception of reality, and therefore the decisions you know that that each of us makes, I think, is An important place to start. I also just want to say this, um, lest any of your listeners or viewers feel as if a, I have all of this stuff all figured out, and B, you know that I'm never colored in my decision making or my view of the world by my own flap? No, that's simply not true. I mean, it happens all the time. Happens every day. My what I am doing more and more of through in through the work that I do is, you know, I'm be kept becoming much more aware of the power of these things in my own life, while at the same time. You know, working with clients to help them see the power of it in their lives. And again, it's not about me recommending a a better course of action for Mike O'Neill, it's no, let's point this stuff out. Let's see, Hey, Mike, how does you know? How's that land with you? What do you see in this situation, and you know, you're the one who has the ahas, you know for yourself about what you're going to do differently with that information.

Mike O'Neill 28:52

I love the way you described that, and that is, I think there's a lot of misunderstanding about what effective coaching is, I think a lot of people assume it's like the coach on the football field with the whistle telling someone what to do. What you just described in your work with clients is you give them tools to discover more about themselves, how there are uniquely wired such that the path that they set out on, it's not what you prescribe for them, it's what they decide as a result of better understanding themselves and understanding where they want to go. And what I love about how you describe this is that you also kind of give permission, if you would, to say if you got a long way to go, that's okay. Let's start today.

Chris Kenny 29:52

Precisely, yeah, absolutely right. Again, I want to come back to your question at the beginning. Around fulfillment. And another word that pops into my brain that I try to, I try to keep in mind, as I'm working with clients, is the word alignment. So when you are going to make another a decision in your life. What I'm looking to help someone do through the through this analysis of the flab and all the other stuff, is to give the individual a a better frame of reference for them to assess for themselves, how the next thing that they're about to go do is either in alignment or out of alignment with these three key areas. You know, authenticity of who you are, your ability to cultivate meaningful relationships, your ability to have a positive impact in the world. When you begin to see your your the range of options available to you, and then you begin to consider those range of options in terms of alignment with these three areas, the answer doesn't necessarily just jump, leap out at you. However, in my experience, what does happen is that the answer, or the possible answers, become much more focused. There's there's a narrower range that line up the best of who you are on the inside with the best of what you can do for the world, you know, externally. So I think that's the power of utilizing this framework. And you're right to have described it as a framework. It is not prescriptive. It is not a one size fits all. It's a framework, and there's a whole lot of latitude for exploration within that, because at the end of the day, the alignment that Mike O'Neill has with these three questions is going to look different from the alignment that Chris Kenny has, and neither One is good or bad or right or wrong. It's more a question of which one is more right for Mike and which one is more right for Chris, in terms of giving one an overall sense of, yeah, I'm on the right path. I'm moving in the direction I should be moving.

Mike O'Neill 32:41

Chris, you used the word focus a moment ago. Let's see if we can bring some focus as we wrap up this episode. And that is, if you had one key piece of advice that you would give to leaders who are ready to kind of move beyond traditional success and into a life of greater purpose and fulfillment. What might that be?

Chris Kenny 33:03

I think it really comes down to what we talked about earlier, which is, you know, you have to be willing to to look within, to to go on the inside journey. You know, so much of our, our western culture. You know our upbringing is on merits and achievements, and you know the size of your bank account or the title that you hold, you know all of which are, you know, external validation points. I think that what I'm inviting people to do is to go inside, and again, I'm not I'm not a therapist, I'm not a spiritual director. But my my experience, tells me that you know, when you're willing to make that journey, a lot of other things begin to fall into place because they feel right. They feel right because they feel like they're in alignment. And they feel like they're in alignment, not with what mom and dad or what my colleagues at the country club or with my business associates told me I should do. That they come from a deeper place inside, and that's really, I think, what we're all here to do. We're all here to live the best version of ourselves. And you know that much better than I know it. You know, free yourself, right? And so there isn't a formula for it. I think the three questions are a good framework. And, you know, I again, we didn't go into this in much detail, but you know, the I'll just save. Very, very quickly. The, you know, the origin of the three questions is from a study of people who were facing a terminal illness that I read a long, long time ago. And my distillation of the study, you know, we got the world got the five stages of grief from this study, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, or the five stages of grief. That was the big output. But my takeaway was different. My takeaway was it didn't matter where in the world somebody was, or what their cultural background, their upbringing, socioeconomic status, their gender, anything as they were looking back on their lives, what gave their lives context and meaning came from their ability to answer yes to these three questions. And therefore, you know, that's really sort of where it came from, and that's why I think there's power behind the framework. Because regardless of whatever decision you ultimately make for yourself, if you make decisions that line up with being able to answer yes to these three areas of your life, you're going to feel good. You feel good, you're going to feel good about yourself, and you know, you're going to have a positive impact in the world. So that's why I think they're important.

Mike O'Neill 36:24

I've learned so much in this conversation. I want to invite our listeners, if today's conversation sparks something in you, I highly encourage you to connect with Chris and explore how his framework might could help you redefine what success means in your life. You know, as a fellow Executive Coach, I know firsthand how important it is to have the right guidance on this journey, whether it's through Chris' coaching or another trusted advisor, the key is to take that first step towards clarity and purpose, Chris, before we go, for those who do want to connect with you and learn more about your work. What's the best way for them to do? So, yeah,

Chris Kenny 37:04

the easiest way. Mike, thank you for asking. You know my website is, you know, the three life questions, and the number three is numerical, so it's T, H, E, the number three life questions plural. So the three life questions.com there are places, you know, there's a place on there to book a complimentary 30 minute conversation. You know, I'd welcome the chance to do that like you. I am also out on LinkedIn, and that's really the limit of my social social media presence. But those are the two. Those are the two principal ways to reach out, and I'd certainly welcome an introductory conversation with anybody who would like to know a little bit more about whether or not this framework could be of value to them.

Mike O'Neill 37:55

We will include both your website and your LinkedIn profile in the show notes. If today's conversation has sparked something in you, you just don't ignore it. Take action, whether it's reevaluating your definition of success or taking that first step towards deeper fulfillment. We encourage you start today and to all the listeners, thank you for joining us. I hope today's conversation with Chris will help you with some new perspectives to help you get unstuck and on target. Thank you for joining us for this episode of get unstuck and on target. I hope you've gained insights to help you lead with confidence and drive your organization forward. Remember, at bench builders, we're committed to your success, your leadership excellence and your strategic growth. If you've enjoyed our conversation today, please leave a review rate and subscribe to keep up with our latest episodes. This show really grows when listeners like you share it with others. Who do you know, who needs to hear what we talked about today? Until next time, I encourage you to stay focused on the target and continue to break new ground on your leadership path. You

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